What name, title and/or alias do you go by?
The Svelte

Were you bought, rescued or adopted?  If applicable, which organization?
I was adopted from a household in Langley. I was the runt of the litter

Why are you interested in joining?
I am interested in gaining powers that will ultimately allow me to oppress and control the humans.

Where are you located and how is it advantageous to our cause?
In a small neighbourhood in East Vancouver; the area has thought me to be street smart and I have already brought down the guards of said neighbourhood by manipulation using my cute looks.

Any special skills you can contribute to the Army of Cute?
Ninja skills which allow me to open doors and windows that the foolish humans think they have locked.

Favourite activities?
As of late, my very favourite is going out for hours and “playing” with the grey tabby two houses down and scouring backyards  – actually we’re making a map of the neighbourhood for domination. But I also like playing with small toy mice and rubbing up against freshly showered legs.

Favourite toys?
The small mice with the white bodies but different coloured heads and tails. Said heads and tails come off easy =)

If any, what is your evil plan and how do you plan to enact it?
See first part of favourite activities. I would eventually like to expand neighbourhood domination to world.

Have you successfully carried out any evil operations to date?
Chasing another cat in the house under the couch. Once the cat was under the couch, I got to the top and when other cat was about to come out I pawed at her from the top scaring her to retreat once again underneath the couch. Good times.

Is the cake a lie?
Always a lie.

Finally, choose one: World Peace or World in (Treat Sized) Pieces?
World in treat sized pieces please.

1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Regular separation from you will be painful and can even cause depression. Think before you adopt me.
2. Give me time to understand what you want from me don’t be impatient, short-tempered or irritable.
3. Place your trust in me and I will always trust you back, respect is earned not given as some sort of inalienable right.
4. Don’t be angry with me for long, and don’t lock me up as punishment. I am not capable of understanding why I am being locked up. I only know I have been rejected. You have your work, entertainment and friends. I only have you.
5. Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don’t understand your words, I do understand your tone.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget, if that treatment is unjust or bad, it may spoil the special bond between us.
7. Please do not hit me. I cannot hit back, but I can bite and scratch and I don’t ever want to feel the need to do that.
8. Before you tell me off me for being uncooperative, obstinate, or lazy, ask yourself if something might be wrong with me. Perhaps I’m not getting the right food or I’ve been out in the sun too long, maybe my heart is getting old and weak, or maybe I have a tooth-ache.
9. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old and will also want care, love, and affection.
10. Go with me on difficult journeys. Never say, “I can’t bear to watch” or “Let it happen in my absence”. Everything is easier for me if you are there. Remember, Irrespective of what you do I will always love you.

Monty does the, now infamous, Zoloft commercial. The first four sentences of the commercial is in italics and is illustrated to you by Monty.

(Tip: Turn up your speakers. Look at Monty’s first photo. Hover over the “Zoloft commercial” link and a mini pop-up should hover over it. Press play and scroll down as you hear the words being narrated.)

You know when you feel the weight of sadness.

You may feel exhausted,

hopeless, and anxious.

Whatever you do, you feel lonely and don’t enjoy the things you once loved.

Things just don’t feel like they used to.

I should be thankful that Monty doesn’t scratch anything to trim his claws. I got the lounger since it has woven sisal and I was hoping he’d start scratching it (instead of having to cut his nails all the time). Bryce was doubtful he’s make use of it, but he’s been proven wrong (hah ha!).

See below the four ways he likes to lounge on it. He’s a creative one!

What name, title and/or alias do you go by?
Mr. Mobesity III

Were you bought, rescued or adopted?  If applicable, which organization?
I was born on a small farm in Quebec. The evil farm owner took me and my brothers & sisters away from our Mum and was planning on drowning us. Thankfully a legion of boys at a neighboring camp found this out just in time to rescue all of us. I was taken by a young boy with allergies, whose Mother found me a great home with my loving Parents.

Why are you interested in joining?
I have conquered all neighboring apartments in my neighborhood, i am ready to take over the world!

Where are you located and how is it advantageous to our cause?
I am located in Kitsilano, a  sleepy neighborhood community filled with unsuspecting humans and many creatures to join our army

Any special skills you can contribute to the Army of Cute?
I am bilingual, and can balance on very thin railings. I am very bendy, I also have precision leaping skills, and have been known to squeeze through things that a cat of my size should not be able to do. I am also able to sway even non-cat lovers over to the cat-loving side. I can chew through plastic, AND will never let food go wasted.

Favourite activities?
Eating, pouncing, scratching my post, purring, digging in my mommy’s garden, eating things that I shouldn’t, peering over the patio ledge, breaking in to neighboring apartments, sleeping on anything black, licking the sink,

Favourite toys?
Scratching post, crinkly mouse house

If any, what is your evil plan and how do you plan to enact it?
I plan to destroy mommy’s vegetable garden as I want to hit her where it hurts. I have discovered that moving at stealth speed I can land in one of her containers of plants and squish everything that is alive. I plan to bash my way through the screen door one afternoon while my parents are at work and DESTROY the garden. I shall then fall asleep in the cool crisp pile of vegetables I have killed.

Have you successfully carried out any evil operations to date?
I have been successful at killing all of her garden peas, even the amazing purple ones she was so thrilled with. I then looked cutely at her and purred… she couldn’t punish me with my innocent demeanor.

Is the cake a lie?
Cake can never be a lie, it can however be tasty in my belly

Finally, choose one: World Peace or World in (Treat Sized) Pieces?
World in Moby sized pieces

What name, title and/or alias do you go by?
Jerk-lo

Were you bought, rescued or adopted? If applicable, which organization?
Bought from the nice breeder lady in Richmond.

Why are you interested in joining?
I look sweet and innocent on the outside, but I’m an evil super-mega-genius on the inside. You know, like a Mini-wheat.

Where are you located and how is it advantageous to our cause?
I have been relocated to our nation’s capital. While this has been a bit of a lifestyle adjustment, I suspect the location would be much more advantageous for orchestrating world domination-type activities. Also, pets can ride the bus here. Not that I ride the bus.

Any special skills you can contribute to the Army of Cute?
I can throw up like you wouldn’t believe. I can probably throw up on command. I throw up so well that my food hasn’t even changed shape or consistency. I can also throw up into the toilet like dirty drunk people do. After I throw up, if you let me eat it, I’ll throw it up again.

Favourite activities?
Did I mention throwing up? I also like eating (so I can throw up) and sleeping (since throwing up is hard work). Oh, and I look out the window all day. Plotting.

Favourite toys?
All of them. Especially Santa, but I have this funny feeling that my humans took Santa away. Something about it not seeming to fit with the July decor.

If any, what is your evil plan and how do you plan to enact it?
My evil plan is to sneak into the pantry while my humans are away and eat all of my dog food from the big plastic bin. Then, I will throw it up. Everywhere.

Have you successfully carried out any evil operations to date?
The day we moved into our current house, I threw up right in front of the door and one of my humans stepped in it. Mua-ha-ha-ha!

Is the cake a lie?
There is no cake.

Finally, choose one: World Peace or World in (Treat Sized) Pieces?
Treat-sized pieces, obviously. Easier to throw up that way.

In my quest for world domination, I realize I must recruit grunts and generals. If you are an evil but cute pet, here is your chance to join the army! Manipulate your human to contact me for the application questionnaire [delmontyzuma (at) gmail (dot) com]. Once a week, an application and a pet will be profiled.

Let the recruitment commence.

Your (future) Lord and Master,
delmontyzuma

+++++

Dear Mys-tree,

Don’t be silly. Trees breath through their leaves and drink through their roots.

I can only advise you what I would do when I am presented with some strange foliage to figure out what tree it is:

1. Approach cautiously and slooooowly. Slower!
2. Look at it (maybe sniff it a little), then look away. Appear disinterested.
3. If it requires further investigation, gnaw on a leaf.
4. Walk away (possibly to throw-up said leaf).

Let me demonstrate:

If the above instructions do not satisfy your curiosity, cut the tree down. Trees are stupid.

Though Jenn insists I include the passage below.

Take a macro photo of the leaves, blooms (flower/fruit/etc.) and the trunk. Take a photo of the entire tree. Approximate the size and email your city horticulturalists. In your case, the Ottawa Horticultural Society.

Your (future) Lord and Master,
delmontyzuma