q&a with monty – wacky tree mystree

23Jul08

Dear Monty,

We just moved into a new house and we have this wacky tree in our backyard. We’re trying to figure out what kind of tree it is so we can determine if it breathes through its leaves or its roots before we get down to some serious landscaping. What do you think is the best way to do this?

Confuzzledly yours,

“It’s a Mys-tree”

+++++

Dear Mys-tree,

Don’t be silly. Trees breath through their leaves and drink through their roots.

I can only advise you what I would do when I am presented with some strange foliage to figure out what tree it is:

Approach cautiously and slooooowly. Slower!
Look at it (maybe sniff it a little), then look away. Appear disinterested.
If it requires further investigation, gnaw on a leaf.
Walk away (possibly to throw-up said leaf).

Let me demonstrate:

If the above instructions do not satisfy your curiosity, cut the tree down. Trees are stupid.

Though Jenn insists I include the passage below.

Take a macro photo of the leaves, blooms (flower/fruit/etc.) and the trunk. Take a photo of the entire tree. Approximate the size and email your city horticulturalists. In your case, the Ottawa Horticultural Society.

Your (future) Lord and Master,
delmontyzuma